i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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