the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
