Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
