Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
