if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
