oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
