It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
