I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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