i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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