Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
