She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
