Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
