you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I came so hard my ears popped.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
