I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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