my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
