and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
