Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
