I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
