in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
