also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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