Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
