My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I lost the right to judge tonight
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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