just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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