and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize