My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
