my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
