my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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