I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
