All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
