he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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