He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
