It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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