its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
