it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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