i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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