So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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