census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
