You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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