Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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