the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
