Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
But theres a keg here and me gusta
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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