I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
