i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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