yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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