Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
