I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Damn victory sex feels great
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
