Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize