he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I forget how to act sober
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
