my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
