i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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