Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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