I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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