FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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