I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
