remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
