He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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