Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
