i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
