I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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