...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
