The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize