Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
